Parenting Tips from a Survivor—Part 14

By Chuck Gartman

Posted December 16, 2005

You’ve probably heard the saying, “What we need to give our children is roots and wings.” I believe this gets at the heart of what I want to say this month. Lest you think that I have succeeded totally in doing this for my children, let me hasten to say that I am still learning about all this even though all three of my girls are grown. Another way of putting this might be to give them acceptance (roots) and then offer them challenge (wings). Our goal is that they become fully-functioning human beings with a deep faith in God. So how do we get to that point. Here are few thoughts.

One of our most crucial and difficult tasks is to help our children understand that they are wanted, that their existence is a good thing for us as their parents. To be sure, they will disappoint us and, in some cases, make life miserable for everyone involved, but if we are going to move them toward maturity, they must see that we delight in their existence. “I’m so glad that you’re my son or daughter. You have made me so proud,” are words that communicate this acceptance. Just so that you will know, this attitude engenders trust instead of mistrust. If they have to always earn our love, they are likely not to feel accepted by us and consequently may not trust us. As a dad, I have wanted my girls to know that I loved them, that I am delighted that they exist, and that I was so glad that they came into my life.

BUT we cannot stop there. To accept our children as they are without offering them the challenge to move forward in their relationship with the Lord is to stop the process. In the familiar passage of Ephesians 2:8-10, verse 10 is usually translated, “we are God’s workmanship...” However, the word for workmanship can be translated, “poem.” Whether we translate it workmanship or poem, the implication is that we were created for a purpose which is to be fulfilled.

This generation and the past few generations have been described as “me-oriented.” “What’s in it for me?” is the battle cry. Moving our children toward maturity means that we help them move away from just being concerned about themselves. Philippians 2:3-4 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to his own interest but to the interest of others as well.” Our job is to guide them toward others. That is a challenge.

Acceptance without challenge leads to immaturity, but challenge without acceptance leads to discouragement. Our youth are our delight, but they are also here for God’s purpose, not just their own. I hope we can lead our children from acceptance into the challenge to become more like Christ.